BOSTON, Ma. – Red Sox hurler Jonathan Papelbon was unhappy with the strike zone during Sunday’s game vs. Atlanta.
“I mean, my pitches that were only 3 or 4 inches off the plate weren’t being called strikes today, what the heck was with that?”, he said, “I am Jonathan f*****ng Papelbon!”
When asked about the questionable calls that went against the Braves, Papelbon replied, “I AM JONATHAN PAPELBON, ME HUNGRY, ME WANT HURT”, he went on to threaten several members of the press with quote “brain biting” and threatened to gut several babies.
Bobby Cox, Chipper Jones and Pitcher O’Flaherty were ejected after JD Drew struck out but was called a ball, then hit home the go ahead run. Jones was particularly incensed because he was called out on strikes on a pitch at the ankles in the first inning.
The Red Sox have announced that umpire check cashing has now been streamlined so that they can pick up their compensation at the booth right next to the Red Sox dugout. “We hope that this will really speed up and streamline the process before our games, so we don’t have to go through all the trouble of wrangling, signing checks, putting them in envelopes, discreetly dropping twin line-up cards and giving each other a little wink while apologizing for the mixup” , said Red Sox owner John Henry.
In other alteration news, the Red Sox have announced that they will be moving the right field foul pole, or Pesky’s Pole, to 45 feel up the 1st base foul line, in hopes of getting the first ever bunt homerun.