Yanks Win Series, “Yankees Suck” says Red Sox fan

New York, NY-  The Yankees won their 27th World Series Championship after besting the Phillies in Game 6 by a score of 7-3. 

Many fans of the disappointed Phillies (and the lifeless Red Sox fans) have started the perennial complaint about the Yankees payroll, and how they shouldn’t be allowed to spend their money.

In other news, MLB has announced recently that people with stronger biceps will be forced to slice them in half and share them with their weaker counterparts.  Anyone with height exceeding 6’0″ will be forced to undergo a nonvoluntary footectomy.  Anyone an age under 25 will be forced to submit to with doctor Hazaloo’s soul drain in order to level the playing field.

NYY 77-45, best record in MLB, but are they any good?

NEW YORK, Ny. – The New York Yankees have won their 77th game of the season, and stand 32 games over .500 at 77-45.  They have now defeated their arch-rival Boston Red Sox for the fifth time in a row and are on pace for a 100+ win season.  They hold a 7.5 game lead in the AL East, and have the best record in all of baseball, but the question remains, are they any good?

 

Hall of Famer Jim Rice criticized Telephones

BOSTON, Ma. – Red Sox Hall of Famer Jim Rice today criticized telephones for being too “Mobile” and “Colorful”.

The comments came on the heels of his recent comments in which he said New York Yankees captain Derek Jeter was a poor role model for children.  The speech, given to the Little League World Series teams, included examples of players he wouldn’t want them to look up to. 

The speech, meant to inspire the young players, taught many of them the values that Jim Rice espouses. 

“I learned that you should always talk about people when they aren’t in the same room as you!  That way there’s no way they can defend themselves or beat the heck out of you!”, said 12 year old Benjamin Johnston, “Mr. Rice definitely inspired me to go out there and mock other people.  It gives me real hope that someone with such subpar numbers as Mr. Rice could get into the Hall of Fame, and do it without even winning a title!  I’m going to grow up to be just as bitter as he is!”

 

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Scranton Wilkes-Barre calls up Mark Teixeira

SCRANTON, Penn. –  The Scranton Wilkes-Barre Yankees called up Mark Teixeira from the New York Yankees today.  They said he has shown great promise in the American League and thought he was ready to play in the International League.

“I man he has a great glove, and at time his bat has shown great life as well”, said a source inside of the Scranton clubhouse, “We just felt he was wasting his talent down in New York and he should be brought somewhere where he could really make a difference and impact.  We don’t want to bring him up too quickly, you know, don’t want to rush him, but our goal every year is to win the Governor’s cup, not some World Series.”

Teixeira has often been a bright spot for the AL Yankees, and SWB has been keeping an eye on his development for sometime now.  The Scranton Wilkes-Barre fans have often been seen blogging about Teixeira and pushing for them to bring him out of the doldrums of American League play to focus more on the International League.

The 1st place Scranton Wilkes-Barre Yankees hope this move solidifies their already solid year, but the move will leave the New York affiliate of the Yankees without one of their only performing players.

In other news, the New York Yankees have announced they will be moving to the New York Rockland County Softball League in order to increase their chances of making the playoffs this year.

 

Phillies coaching staff finds answers to recent woes

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PHILADELPHIA, Penn. – The Philadelphia Phillies coaching staff and trainers have announced today they have discovered the answer to their recent losing streak.

“Well, it turns out that when we lose games its because we aren’t scoring enough runs.  The other team sometimes scores 5 runs and we score 3 runs, then when the 9th inning is over, we end up losing” , said Milt Thompson, Phillies batting coach.

Several theories on how to remedy the problem have been floated by the coaching staff.  Among there are:

-Score more runs

-Score more runs before the bottom of the 9th inning.

-Don’t let the other team score as many runs

-Run around the bases and touch home plate more

 

When questioned about the six game home losing streak, manager Charlie Manuel said that he thinks the staff’s new approach may pay dividends. “Well when we score runs, maybe 6 or 7 of them, but the other team doesn’t score 6 or 7, but maybe fewer, we tend to win games, so when we look at that, we tried to analyze the tape and we think our new tactic will work.”

Stats: The Phillies are a stunning 36-0 when leading their opponents after 9 innings.  On the other hand they have now fallen to 0-31 when scoring fewer times through the entire game than their opponents. 

Red Sox unhappy with strike zone, announce more alterations

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BOSTON, Ma. –  Red Sox hurler Jonathan Papelbon was unhappy with the strike zone during Sunday’s game vs. Atlanta.

“I mean, my pitches that were only 3 or 4 inches off the plate weren’t being called strikes today, what the heck was with that?”, he said, “I am Jonathan f*****ng Papelbon!”

When asked about the questionable calls that went against the Braves, Papelbon replied, “I AM JONATHAN PAPELBON, ME HUNGRY, ME WANT HURT”, he went on to threaten several members of the press with quote “brain biting” and threatened to gut several babies.

Bobby Cox, Chipper Jones and Pitcher O’Flaherty were ejected after JD Drew struck out but was called a ball, then hit home the go ahead run.  Jones was particularly incensed because he was called out on strikes on a pitch at the ankles in the first inning. 

The Red Sox have announced that umpire check cashing has now been streamlined so that they can pick up their compensation at the booth right next to the Red Sox dugout.  “We hope that this will really speed up and streamline the process before our games, so we don’t have to go through all the trouble of wrangling, signing checks, putting them in envelopes, discreetly dropping twin line-up cards and giving each other a little wink while apologizing for the mixup” , said Red Sox owner John Henry.

In other alteration news, the Red Sox have announced that they will be moving the right field foul pole, or Pesky’s Pole, to 45 feel up the 1st base foul line, in hopes of getting the first ever bunt homerun.

 

Red Sox announce new additions to Fenway Park

BOSTON, Ma. – Owner Henry of the Red Sox today announced that the Red Sox, over the off-season, will be making a couple additions to Fenway Park.

In an effort to make Fenway Park more hitter friendly for not only left handed hitters, but also right handed hitters, the Red Sox will be constructing a twin for the Green Monster in right field.   In addition, the original green monster will be 80 feet high as will its twin.

The small opening between the twin monsters will now be known as 3 point range.  Any homeruns hit there will now be worth 3 runs per run. 

 

In other news, the Milton Bradley of the Chicago Cubs began striking out with only 2 strikes, he says, in support of Tibetan freedom.